Do you ever find yourself needlessly worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet, and it might not happen at all?
This is the story of my life. Worry is a family trait that has been passed down through the female generations. I feel like I have been trying to talk myself out of going over an anxiety cliff the past two days.
Derek starts his last semester of school next week. We are 120 days away from graduation. He has started to apply to professor jobs.
We both have said all along that we wanted to stay in Houston, but we will move if he gets a good offer. Therefore he is applying to schools elsewhere in the country. If anything, he said, it would be good interview experience.
On Sunday night he finished up an application to (school name withheld) in a semi-rural snowy mountain town. The deadline was Monday. I had no idea that he had intended on applying there until he was in the process.
All Sunday night I tossed and turned dreaming about what life would be like in “snowy mountain town.” I’m not entirely convinced that I could be happy there.
On Monday morning, I convinced myself to calm down, and that this was only the first step in a long process. We probably wouldn’t hear anything back for a few months yet. But then Derek texted me and told me that the school had contacted him, and they wanted to do a Skype interview. I felt like a weight suddenly came down on my chest, and I had trouble breathing. The anxiety was back. I never thought anything would happen so soon. Am I really going to have to move to “snowy mountain town?”
I’m trying to talk myself off that ledge again. He says he thinks it went well, but it was only one interview. Maybe he will go through a second round of interviews, maybe not. Maybe he won’t get any offers, and he will have to work at a Houston area design firm for a while while being an adjunct professor (meaning contracted for one class at a time), and then try again in a few years.
He still has to apply to the other positions, including one at the University of Houston. I think I would have less anxiety over the prospect of moving to the other discussed locations, but I still have to face the thought of moving at all.
Plan A was to stay in Houston for at least another three to five years. Packing up in July would come too quickly. I am in a really good place myself career wise, and I have gotten a group of good friends. I would feel uprooted at the wrong time. There are still things that I want to do in Houston and in Texas that we haven’t done yet. I do not want to leave anything unfinished.
I’m concerned about putting ourselves (and our cats!) though another cross country move and the stress that comes along with it.
But on the other hand I love the sense of adventure. I feel like I was always meant to move around.
What to do? I do not like feeling not in control. I was not meant to take it one day at a time but that is my only option for now. I am hoping that Derek gets a great offer and that we feel comfortable in making a decision!